Trapped in a Human Suit

icon1 Posted by admin in Stories on 02 23rd, 2010 | 3 responses

emotionalhangover

Does anyone feel like a fuckin’ alien for be not being able to have a baby? I mean really, isn’t this like a right of passage for any woman who wants to have a child? I must be an alien trapped in a human body, but with an alien’s uterus no doubt!  Here’s what I don’t get-why give me the parts if they’re not going to work? Why didn’t God, or whoever is up there, just make me a hermaphrodite or something…maybe that way I could just get myself pregnant and call it a day. Oh sweet sarcasm….the perfect defense mechanism.

On a serious note, I feel an incredible amount of shame when it comes to this-I feel like a freak quite honestly. The question is, how do I overcome this? And the answer, I haven’t the slightest clue. I’m sort of a spiritual person in a way with some good tools, and I haven’t taken any hostages yet, so it works to a degree, but there’s always a struggle, a push-pull sort of thing that prevents me from having any kind of peace or acceptance. An inner war so to speak, a good-guy, bad-guy shoot out and I am both shooters.

Well, my boss’s baby shower is coming up and I am going! This will be my first baby shower since this all started-I’m not sure if good guy or bad guy made that choice, but I’m going…

By the way, this is her second baby-who has a baby shower for second baby??  It just keeps getting better….

3 Responses to “Trapped in a Human Suit”

  1. Jennifer says:
    February 23, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    You are not a freak! It sucks when you can’t make something happen, no matter how much you want it… because you care so much, you would probably make an amazing mom. Hm… second baby shower? – is her first child much older? maybe she gave all her baby stuff away after the first one & her friends are just trying to help her out?
    Hang in there – if you wish to be a mommy, you will be a mommy.

  2. the misfit says:
    February 26, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    I agree with “why give me the parts if they’re not going to work.” They take up space in my abdomen that I would like to use for chocolate. Menstruation cannot possibly be justified by anything less than the possibility of babies. (Seriously, if you bought an appliance that did something like that and there was no upside, you would so take it back.) And the hormonal fluctuations are for the birds. The apparently functioning female reproductive system is a mockery for those of us who just can’t use it to reproduce.

    And as for the freak part – motherhood, biological and with all the personality trappings, is an inextricable part of the female identity. When we’re little girls and twenty-somethings who go gaga over other people’s babies, it shapes where we’re going. Once we’re married and ttc, it’s supposed to become who we are presently. For some of us it refuses to do so. I think we feel like freaks because we are. (I’m sorry this is so harsh.) This is not how women are naturally meant to live. But in another sense, I don’t think any of us as an individual is a freak. We didn’t make these choices. We’re doing the best we can with what we have, which is more than can be said for some of our fertile sisters. Our value as people can’t be measured by what we’re given, but by what we do with it. I certainly don’t know what that is in my case, but I hope that, some day, I will find out (and it will be a good thing).

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    April 16, 2010 at 11:53 am

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